The Third Wheel
by edwart
Summary: Jacob decides to throw a birthday party and invites Bella AND Edward. Jacob just doesn't seem to be...himself. A little OOC, One shot. Pure Parody - Don't take it too seriously!


_Summary: Jacob decides to throw a birthday party. When he invites Bella and Edward, things get a little awkward. And hilarious. Pure parody._

_I do not own 'Twilight', the characters or anything. This is purely for fun and for entertainment purposes._

_Team Jacob fans may find this a bit harsh - don't take it too seriously!_

* * *

BPOV

I never got mail. So when I pulled out a small envelope from Charlie's letterbox addressed to me I was surprised. I didn't even bother to fetch the letter opener, instead sliding my pinkie finger under it and slicing the paper open.

_What? A Birthday Party._

_Who? Jacob Black._

_Where? Jacob's House._

_R.S.V.P, __Bitch._

_(p.s. bring your sparkly lover-boy)_

"What is it?" Edward asked casually from behind me. He had followed me inside silently.

"It's an invitation."

"An invitation? To what?"

"Jacob's having a birthday party."

"Oh…," Edward said, looking uncomfortable. His face scrunched up for less than a second before he regained his composure. "Well, I'm sure you'll have fun."

"Um…Edward?"

"Yes?"

"You're invited as well."

He blinked, just as confused as I was. I picked up the phone and dialled Jacob's number, twirling the cord between my forefinger and thumb.

"Hello?" Jacob said, sounding very chipper.

"Hey Jake, it's me."

"Oh my God! Hey Girlfriend!"

"Um…Hey. I just got your invitation in the mail and-"

He cut me off.

"OH MY _GOD_! COULDN'T YOU JUST DIE!"

Edward growled.

"Uh…? Are you feeling okay Jake?"

"YES! Of course I am! Oh, you _can_ make it, can't you? You have to come! And Edward too."

"Yeah Jake, of course. Um…And you want Edward to come too?"

"Um, _yeah_! Duh."

"Okay…," I said, still confused. "Uh, no offence - and don't get me wrong, I'm glad I can bring Edward - but, _why_?"

"Bella," Jacob sighed heavily. "Don't you get it? Birthday parties are a time for celebration and fun! I think I can manage to put aside my hatred for him for one day!"

"Well…Great!" I replied enthusiastically. I turned to look at Edward and he smirked a little, amused.

"So, I'll see you on Saturday! It's going to be so much fun!"

"Yeah. It will. Bye Jake."

Edward walked towards me and rested his palms on my shoulders.

"Do you really think I should go?" He asked softly, weaving his fingers through my hair at the base of my neck.

"Yeah. I mean, he wants you to, and so do I."

He simply nodded and smiled.

* * *

Jacob decided to throw his party at his house, and amazingly the wolves agreed to relax the treaty, allowing Edward to come on their territory for the night.

I lightly tapped on Jacob's door, balancing his present under my arm.

Edward had insisted on getting Jacob a present himself, instead of just letting me include his name in the card.

I was genuinely surprised at how civil the two were being toward each other. It was nice. Maybe they could actually be _friends_.

But all hope I had for that vanished the moment Jacob opened his door.

"Um, what is _he_ doing here?" He asked, stabbing a finger at Edward.

"You…invited him?" I said, even more confused than I was.

"_No_, I did _not_. Jeez Bella, I thought that just for one night, you could like, think of _me_ and not be joined to his hip!"

"But-"

"Fine!" Jacob yelled. "God, he can come then, just calm down Bella!"

"But I didn't even-"

"OH MY GOD, get inside! Jeez, what is _with_ you! I said calm DOWN!"

Edward growled a little.

"Watch it, dog. I think you're the one who needs to calm down."

"Pssh," Jacob said, waving his hand dismissively.

"Jacob, I _swear_ you invited Edward! Remember? I called you to make sure."

Jacob paused, tapping a finger to his chin.

"Oh _yeah_," He said, understanding.

I sighed with relief.

"But I was drunk then so it didn't really count."

"That explains your gay vocabulary. I believe you called me 'girlfriend' and everything."

"I REGRET NOTHING. GET INSIDE YE FILTHY LASS!" He instructed, giving a dramatic bow as he waved us in. He sniffed my hair as I passed him and shuddered.

"Yucky yucky. Someone needs to get into the tub!" He laughed like an idiot and smacked his knee as if his 'joke' was the funniest known to man.

"Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Still a little drunk?" I asked.

"Little bit, yeah."

I nodded in understanding and pulled Edward in with me, who was fuming at Jacob.

We walked into the living room and I expected to see the wolves stuffing their faces with party food, other kids from the reservation making out or something.

But there was three seats in the middle of the room, each with a part hat on them, a boom box in the far corner and nothing else.

"Um, are we the first ones here?" I asked.

"No. I didn't invite anyone else." He moved closer to me and whispered in my ear. "It's _exclusive_."

"Oh…Right."

"Let's just get this over with," Edward muttered lowly in my other ear.

"What did he say to you?" Jacob whispered in my left ear.

"Don't tell him anything!" Edward whispered in my right ear.

"What did he say just then?" Jacob whispered urgently in my left ear.

"No! Bella, you mustn't answer him!" Edward whispered in my right ear.

"UH! Stop it!" I screeched, pushing them both away.

"Can we start the party now?" I asked desperately. Drunk Jacob was no fun and I just wanted to leave.

"OKAY!" Jacob said happily.

Jacob sat down and patted the seats on either side of him. Edward took one and I the other.

I handed him my present.

"Happy birthday Jake."

Jacob giggled like a little girl and tore the paper off.

He picked up the small car and stared at it in amazement.

"Sweet baby Jesus it's beautiful!"

"Um…You're welcome."

Jacob hugged me tightly, I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Oh, you don't know what this means to me Bells! Finally my barbies have a car to go hit the town with - you know pick up some Kens!"

"Um?"

"I mean action figures," Jacob said quickly, coughing before finishing his sentence with a fake manly voice. "You know, so they can pick up hot chicks."

"You still play with dolls?" Edward scoffed.

"ACTION - FIGURES! Get it right!"

Edward rolled his eyes and handed Jacob his present to him.

Eager and curious, Jacob tore off the simple gold paper quicker than he had for my present.

In his hands laid a fluffy pink diary, complete with a golden padlock and matching golden key with a heart at the end of it.

Jacob's eyes began to water and I rubbed his back sympathetically.

"Oh, Jake, I'm _sure_ Edward didn't mean to hurt your feelings," I said shooting Edward a glare at the same time. Edward smiled serenely as if nothing was wrong.

"Hurt my feelings?" Jake asked confused. "Oh no, Bells, I _love_ it!"

"_Really_?" I asked, shocked.

"Yeah! Oh, thank you so much Edward! Now I can write down all my secrets and _feelings_ and crushes! And draw hearts and stars and stick glitter in it!"

"You're welcome," Edward said politely.

The party was a little bit _out of the ordinary_, to say the least.

We played twister, which I'm sure Edward would _really_ like to forget, as he spent most of the game stuck between Jacob's crotch and armpit. Or between a rock and a hard place, as Edward had said, making me laugh out loud.

After I won twister, we played musical chairs, which didn't last long because Jacob was sickeningly good at the game.

And then after that Jacob gave Edward and I party favors - small silky bags filled with pink candy hearts.

Edward stealthily slid his one into my pocket with my own one, as to not hurt Jacob's feelings at the rejection.

Then Jacob gave me a hug, and then Edward (after I finally convinced Edward that it wouldn't be gay-looking; unfortunately I was wrong. They looked very gay. But I kept this information to myself for the sake of Edward's pride) and then Edward led me back to his car. He turned to me as he closed his door.

"Did you have fun?" He asked politely.

"Uh…Sure."

He nodded, his lips twitching at the corners. We both sat in silence, before he looked at me and we both burst out laughing, so much so that I was at the point of crying. We made a deal to spare Jacob the embarrassment and never tell him - he wouldn't remember it in the morning. Edward shook his head in amazement, still laughing a little and started the engine as he drove us _very _swiftly away home.

* * *

Thoughts? (:


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